What do I do about my alcoholic father? Should I ask him to leave my life until he finds help?I am a 25 year old female and have been dealing with an alcoholic father for my whole life as well as all of the ramifications of being an ACOA. He is not, nor has he ever been, physically abusive or *purposely* emotionally abusive (because I do consider alcoholism a disease I feel as though it isn't completely his fault that he was angry and neglectful while we were growing up). He doesn't drink everyday. In fact, I have never seen him with a drink, or beer, in his hand. Ever. He is a "closet drinker". He will go weeks, months, even years without drinking (to my knowledge) and then binges alone in a bedroom or hotel room for days, or even weeks. When he was living with us (until I was 16) it was scary. He would pass out and there was nothing I could do to wake him up. I'd call my mom home from work (she was working nights), and tell her "Daddy won't wake up". I didn't really understand. One time when she got home she called an ambulance because he was unresponsive. He has been to the hospital for detox many times, and has been to outpatient rehab. Unfortunately, he doesn't not feel "AA is for him". Most of his family and all of his friends are no longer in contact with him. After his last binge (within the last month), my sisters and I broke. We snapped. We can't take it anymore. The inconsistency, the guilt, constantly blaming ourselves saying "maybe if we went to visit him more, he wouldn't need to drink" etc. All 3 of us are in different stages of grief at the moment varying from numbness, to denial, to anger. For the time being, we had our mother call him and say "you need to find help, and you need to get better. You are doing no good for yourself, and you are damaging your daughters in the process. Please don't contact them until you recover". I feel like this will not doing him any good, but my sisters argue that it isn't doing us any good either and we need to start worrying about ourselves for a change. I am exhausted. I am devastated. And I am lost. I don't know what the right thing to do is. If we leave him, what will his motivation be to get better? He was never a great father, never 100% there but he's still a human being and he still shares my blood. I feel like it's my responsibility to be there and be supportive for him. My boyfriend thinks this is damaging me, and wants me to no longer speak with my father. He even suggested changing my last name. I think this is extreme, and the exact opposite of what my father needs. If he had a flat tire, my father would truly have no one to call. I'm currently reading books on alcoholism and families, including Perfect Daughters, How Al-Anon Works, and a few others I checked out of the library. They are very eye-opening, but don't exactly give advice on this. I feel like I cannot abandon someone to be alone in this world, but I also can no longer keep getting hurt by him. I am going to work on myself, and hopefully seek help for myself soon (but JEEZ! Therapy is expensive! Even with insurance). I imagine that if I fix myself, answers will be more clear as to how to handle this situation but I fear I don't have that much time. I worry that if he doesn't seek help soon, he will drink himself to death... or possibly die from the health issues that surrounded his latest binge (gout, heart problems, internal bleeding of his kidney). Any words of wisdom, support, or advice would be greatly appreciated. I know I'm not alone... but it still hurts.
Thank you for taking the time to read this! I really appreciate it.
sstar123
I understand that you want to help your father but unforutnately for someone in his situation, there is nothing anyone can really do until he decides he wants to help himself. People who are addicts absolutely do have a disease, however it isn't the kind of disease that you can just pick them up and take them to the hospital. They have to make their own decision. Your father clearly hasn't made up his mind that he wants help yet. If I were you then I wouldn't do anything drastic like changing your name or cutting him out of your life. I would just keep my distance. ANd you know what, maybe YOU can be that person that comes if he needs help changing a tire. But just don't let him take advantage of you. Be there when he genuinely needs the help. And don't let his problems become the burden of your life. I'm sure that if you start going to therapy (which you don't really seem like you need one) they will give you better advice on what to do. BUt for now this is all I know and I hope I can help. Gook luck
space monkey
Did you know that the VAST overwhelming majority of people who overcome addictions do so WITHOUT ANY SORT OF rehab??? They finally just realize they don't have to obey their body?
PLEASE yes, you should just tell him- look- when YOU decide you won't drink anymore, then come back around me. I've had it. Can't watch this anymore.
PLEASE PLEASE go read this website about Rational Recovery. https://rational.org/index.php?id=1
The addict has to actually want to quit, and stop holding onto the addiction. He's not a victim of a disease- he's chosen his substance over everyone else. Addicts make their addiction their God.
1540
Why are you blaming yourself for his choices? He is choosing to drink. It is a disease, which I myself have, but it does not mean alcoholics are not responsible for their choices and behaviors. He is very much responsible for it, not you or anyone else. Do some reading on enabling an alcoholic. The more excuses you make for him the more you help him stay in his addiction. You have every right to have a decent life. You do not say you have children but if you do you certainly do not want them around that.
He is living his life the way he chooses, and at the expense of everyone who cared about him. If he does die from living like this it will be because he chose to. He has rejected AA, which could help him so you have done what you can do. If you do not abandon him what will you do? Babysit him and help him to continue drinking? You have a lot to learn about alcoholism. What you have been doing obviously has not changed anything. As long as he has someone taking care of him he is free to drink.
Kmarie
So I just typed up this whole thing about why I left my mom when I was 16 and what I had to go through in order to undo all the damage she did to me and my sisters... and then deleted it. If you want to hear about it, go ahead and message me.
Basically from personal experience and having to go through psychology twice a week for a month is that your dad is an adult. He should have done what was best for you and the rest of your family when you were growing up and should have never EVER caused you grief. Now that you are the adult, you need to do what is best for you, not him.
Sorry your hurting.
Know better? Leave your own answer in the comments! Gout - information, symptoms and treatments. Googout.info health information factsheet - advice on
gout and its symptoms, causes and treatment, plus prevention through diet.
Orignal From:
What do I do about my alcoholic father? Should I ask him to leave my life until he finds help?
No comments:
Post a Comment