Some examples of things she says are, and I translate to the best of my ability, because they weren't said in English:
"He can't walk yet? He's so dumb," in referring to my boy when he was about one. I tell her, "But he stands very well."
"Your husband must have had more episodes of gout attack here than when he was in (another city), right?" Not wanting to give her details, I said, "I don't really count them." Then genius her procees to say, "So you don't care about him at all, do you?"
My dad learned to use the computer in his 70's and mastered photoshop so that he could do anything with the pictures he takes to his heart's content. In my opinion, pretty amazing. She says of another person's pictures right in the hearing of both of them (and I was present), "If this were him (referring to my dad), the pictures would have come out better." THEN proceeds to add, "But, he tampers/messes with them."
She sees my mother-in-law once and asks me with eyes wide open and an all-knowing smile, "She has osteoperosis pretty bad doesn't she, because I see she's a bit hunch backed." I tell her I don't really know without having asked her.
She has just arrived at my place and sees my laundry basket on the floor. She says, "You haven't done laundry yet?" I think to myself, what is it to you? I say, "I've been busy."
She gave my son, now two, some of her grand nephew's used clothes. I tell her they fit perfectly, thank you. She says, "Oh, no, they fit just right? Then he won't grow!"
I'm thinking, why do most things she says come out so much like curses? If you hear one of these once a month, perhaps you won't feel that burdened. But, week after week of this, and I'm about to lose it. I honestly don't think she meant badly. But, she really has a talent for saying things the WRONG way.
I can't ignore her or get away from her. I must find a way to cope with this. She's older so I don't expect her to change either and it's not in my position to reproach her back. But, I don't believe in avoidence. I believe that I have to say something in reply in order to decrease these incidents. I'm racking my brains now. In addition to what I said to her (as can be seen above), what else can I say to her? How should I say them to her?
Please help!!!!
Hey, LuluBell... I hope you have a sense of humor, because I'm drawing mouse ears and long front teeth, whiskers, tails...
You know what I think? I think 2 points is well worth your time.
I've taken classes on confontation and I've done it successfully on different occasions. One rule is that you have to really care about that person and I have to admit, I don't know her that well or love her that much to use confrontation with her. But, at the same time, I know she's not quite well. A normal person does not say things like she does. That's why I'm holidng my tongue until I can find the "best way" to say the "best thing" to her. If she's that "sick", I don't want to make her feel worse about herself... which I don't see how I can avoid if I were to talk to her about her problem.
But, I agree that I should both avoid her as much as possible and in the event of another unfortunate episode, I should be firm. Well, I think I did pretty good on those occasions, "correcting" her but not damaging her. It's just that it's very hard to keep this balance and yes, I'm getting tired of it.
keengrrl76
The first two examples you gave do sound like the voice of someone who is thoughtless and has no mental filter for her thoughts. Anyone with an ounce of common sense would know that even if this is what they REALLY believed, they wouldn't say 'your baby is dumb' or 'you don't care about your husband'.
All of the other examples just sound very matter of fact - his pictures come out better because he messes with them. Well, that's one way of explaining photoshopping if you don't really understand what it is...
I don't think saying something to her will improve your relationship with her or even make her change. I would say don't bother because if you do say something, then things will be strained and the next dumb thing she says will just make you even more angry and upset.
I would just stay away from her as much as possible. If she asks you a question, give her the most vague answer possible, and whenever she makes a stupid comment, in your minds eye, begin to draw mouse ears, whiskers, two long front teeth, a little tail coiled around her feet - or something like this, anything to distract you from her stupidity and make your brain shift its thoughts.
Do not let the lame ideas another person has affect your mood. If what she says is inane and not thought out, then why pay any attention to her? Would you get angry if someone who was mentally disabled or someone who was clinically crazy said something mean about you? No, because they don't know what they're talking about. Put this lady in that same category, and just ignore her chatter.
Darrel
Let her know that she is being a buzz kill. You don't have to be mean about it, but I know that I would get really tired of it if I was in your shoes. She might not realize it until someone tells her. I wouldn't have tolerated anyone calling my kid dumb, though. If she makes a really offensive comment like that, be firm and let her know that she needs to keep those comments to herself.
LuluBelle
So what if you go to the same church, don't have conversations with this bit*ch. That is the only way you are going to be free of this idiot, and I don't care what language she's speaking, I trust your translation and she needs to be isolated. Clear and BLUNT in what this one needs, and maybe she'll learn a lesson, or at least leave you alone.
Your question was too long, but I did just read the end of it. If you want a solution without doing anything, then pray for a miracle. If you refuse to stand up for yourself, then there is no helping you, and this all amounts to just a whine. Sorry, but I feel I wasted my time on you.
Agnes G
Clearly this woman does NOT have a good heart. She is judgmental, insensitive and toxic. Avoid her at all costs. Hear her words for what they are-toxic waste! If you must interact with her, simply smile and say "I'm sure it seems that way to you" and realize that she does not have your best interests at heart-nor those of your family. There are some people who can only feel good about themselves by making others feel "less than". Most importantly, try not to allow this woman's comments to affect
how you feel. Hear them for the trash that they are.
twoodshair
some people are just not happy unless they are miserable. she's one of them. i agree, she is toxic.
sounds to me like she's 'using' the church to make her feel better, but she's the one not doing the work to make it work.
you have to find a way to let her know you refuse to allow her to be toxic to you. ask her if she has any friends. wait for an answer. if she tells you 'no' then you need to explain to her how she is toxic to herself and to others. if she tells you 'yes' then you need to tell her how you enjoy her company, but you have friends, too , and you need to get to them now; you don't have any more time for the toxicity.
Orignal From: What would your response be for someone whose comments are mostly judgmental and reproachful?
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